Nerves

Orange: You are too eager

Cat Face: No I am fine I am fine things are fine

Orange: You are very eager the girl will not want you

Cat Face: Who cares I am not looking for a girl I have this idea about men and women I feel erotic

Orange: See you are eager

Cat Face: No this has been my whole life waiting I got waiting patiently down to a science

Orange: Ha

Cat Face: The science of absorption and depression I have reduced my void of existence down to a science of absorption and depression

Orange: See I always think about you as crazy but yet you hold down a job and you’re not usually depressed you usually have your shit locked down

Cat Face: I know I’m pretty fun to be around right

Orange: Yeah

Cat Face: And I give off like I am throwing the biggest fucking party around and that attracts flies to me right

Orange: Yeah but not flies you get girls but then you don’t do anything they think something is wrong with them they turn to what might be easier more accessible a guy who can talk a little make things happen

Cat Face: Like I said I really don’t care about girls being just girls

Orange: Huh

Cat Face: I am seeing a real big picture in which I am doing things with men and women my capacity for love is this stretching strange thing like when Silly Putty picks up a great deal of print from a newspaper

Orange: So are you saying you like and want men too

Cat Face: Why not why not

Orange: Can people really choose like that

Cat Face: I do I don’t know why I am not afraid of anything or anyone I feel really secure about that I know what my intentions are and I know how I do things what I am doing is not devoid of love what I am doing is what they used to do I do it the same way

Orange: I used to know about Bloomsbury

Cat Face: See that’s right people didn’t use to get bent out of shape with definition and distinction of the sexual kind that was a time of wild fun the excitement of possibilities occurring in people before them the Greeks did it

Orange: I like that but I got to stick to girls I think I would be crazy doing other things than with girls

Cat Face: Well that’s you and no one wants you to be any different but what I like about you is that you let me be me I hope you will let me be me you have so far

Orange: We are friends besides you know I have no control over you no one has control over anyone not even any law any law can be circumnavigated I think

Cat Face: I know

Orange: What’s wrong

Cat Face: I have a storm in my mind

Orange: Then brainstorm ha

Cat Face: It’s nothing about ideas and creation it is a death storm so many clouds so many rainy nights the sound of thunder the sight of lightning really crazy hurtful moments of life all memorable and a desire to keep living like a person who wants more and more pain because it is coming it is certainly coming I know the more I think the more death is like this insane drop off a peaceful mountainside the birds see me splatter on the rocks you know I loved life and that makes me suicidal loving life is the easiest way to become a dead man

Orange: You know I have to take all threats seriously why are you like this plus it is very sentimental

Cat Face: Okay take me home maybe I can stop being out and stop thinking maybe I can sleep yeah I want to sleep take me home

Orange: Okay okay

Cat Face is on a bed his mind is racing he feels awkward he likes reading the Hemingway book he also knows that he can do decent things in life but though he loves the scenery though he is still attached to life he wants it all to change or he wants it all to go away he wants to go away he does not want to be here or alive he can’t keep doing the same things over and over without the scenery royally destroying his little nerves he should not be this fragile yet he cannot help it this basic stretch of life is too much it is given to him and he cannot bail on it he has to live but it is a process of destruction his love principle is fine but he is not fine he meets people in the way that your shins meet the waves at the beach like ebb and flow you know you have not only to think about everything you have to feel everything and it is all so salty and in the sun there are headaches and the sight of constant beauty a woman lying on a beach towel her body does it all she is happy and reading and she is getting a very very nice tan and the strong lifeguard how did he get so chiseled and his glasses are what they are the attraction is toward him too

Cat Face: Orange o Orange you were nice today I am feeling something about you I am feeling always I am always feeling you know I didn’t want to melt down I can’t think about that let it go Orange will not do shit he will not judge you that’s what friends are they do not judge you when you say crazy shit about death I am melting down because I have to it is so natural to melt down like this and I know that my chemicals are not balanced at all but I hate medicine I hate psychiatry if I saw a doctor then I would really shoot myself in the head when I got out I am someone who needs to feel this entire life until it is pulled away from me and I won’t even know any better I am only responsible to the life force for after all my thoughts about gods and things I am only convinced that there is a life force at least here on this planet and evidently in other parts of the universe maybe several different life forces like our concepts of gods but also there may be non-life forces that are above or below why must anything serve or act morally in a sense of righteousness pointing thanks and love toward a god or nature but whatever this is all we know and yet I am struck by a death storm because I feel love for other people but unfortunately I have grown bored of all that I am capable of experiencing in my life I cannot sleep

Orange is hanging with Velvet and Simple and Cat Face they might get food they are on the street it is another night hopefully Cat Face will not do anything crazy to ruin anything

Simple: You know the other night I actually saw a guy get knocked out three kids stormed in on him around the harbor and they first punched him got him down and started kicking his head then most of the body was paralyzed but the head whose eyes were shut was twitching and the arms up around the head were twitching they left him like that some other people and I called the cops

Velvet: I hate violence I can’t stand violence

Orange: Yeah once I saw a guy get stomped outside of a bar in DC and everyone was screaming the poor guy’s friend came outside and felt helpless he was crying and screaming asking who knocked his friend out of course the guy had left

Velvet: Shit again can’t we talk about something lighter we are on the street and now I am getting all paranoid and fearful make it light guys plus what should we eat

Simple: Thai ooooooo Thai can we get Thai

Cat Face: Yes actually there is a great family type of place just a block down let’s get drunken noodles and then get drunk

Orange: Ha stupid

Simple: Cat you have really blue eyes I have never looked at them just thought I would tell you that

Cat Face: Telling me as in you like them or are they a distraction a weird thing

Simple: They are not a weird thing because I like oracles and I like flowers and they are flowers and oracles

Velvet: She likes you

Simple: I do like you

Cat Face: You come right out right out I get weird about that I like to stand back I get nervous I think it is okay though because I am into you

Simple: You know what

Cat Face: What

Velvet: What

Orange: What the fuck

Simple: Cat I love you

Cat Face: You do

Simple: Yeah o yeah yes I do but I don’t know how you do it how you go so long without having sex

Velvet and Orange bust out laughing they can’t believe it

Cat Face: I wait it out I wait for sex sex comes to me it is like that because I can’t do anything I don’t want to do anything my nerves are really destroyed

Simple: It’s okay I wanted to come after you

Cat Face: You have not got me yet I don’t do things right away we got to see if we will even do anything I would like to be alone with you first and see what you do and how you do it

Velvet: Plus you’re out with us you guys aren’t breaking free

Orange: Yeah I don’t want this whole night to be about you all fucking or getting anxious about fucking make that the end of your night now is now we got to eat

Cat Face: Here’s the Thai place come on

Cat Face is alone with her there really is not anything it is all completely dark back at his place where he usually does art late at night he cannot even stand doing art anymore he is frozen in his mind and his fingers are frozen and he touches Simple on the neck she moves in to kiss him and he thinks what does this feel like what is this why is this important I guess there is the need for procreation and restoring one’s fractured soul but I am really near death and what good would it do me to restore my soul before I ship out of this place this is terribly vacuous Simple is smart enough and she is pretty enough and she has parts of her life all mapped out and she has read The Ethical Slut I think she said that when we were getting Thai and yet I cannot trouble myself to deal with her in this dark and physical intimate way like it is a turning point in our joint meaning making but I just keep feeling the reaction of my nerves like I not only have to respond to her in real time but there is some part of my brain that is wondering about her criticisms of this as it happens and a part of my brain that produces really silly and sometimes dark as death criticisms of this but cannot I just let this all move forward and take place look after a while you start to feel something you get horny if you think about this and her at the right time in the right way look you can feel something I know you can feel something touch her again and move down with it feel her between her legs as you kiss her feel her there and think about how open her life is and like you said she is smart I know she is smart and she could be a good companion through life even if for just a few days of this life if you all part who cares you got to the point where you can still be friends with a person after you break up the important thing is to maintain continuity with love and lovers and what about men what about men why have you not tried a man recently why not you think about it and it makes sense to you and is part of what you feel and so why not well not right now not now there really are not any men locally that present or do anything for you they are all kind of low on the totem pole and then Simple moves up over him and he is under her she is riding with rhythm her face is really pretty what he can see of it and it all makes sense and it takes his thoughts not away but moves them to another place that he cannot reach it is like he is drunk or destroyed and he tries to reach for his thoughts and he cannot reach them he has a lot of respect for her he likes watching her feeling something related to him and he tries to feel it also he can feel her and it is not bad in fact it is really good and calming and it makes sense and yet he is destroyed in his nerves he knows that this is not the end for him there is all this dangerous living and inevitably of course there will be sad lonely moments again they are just waiting to come and frazzle his core but he has to live and so he moves toward her from underneath her and he kisses her mouth that is wet and he feels really good about her and what he is able to give her and share with her and then it is weird how he starts thinking about Orange right when he is giving himself to her and roughing her up what is Orange up to and he loses his way and slows down what is Orange doing how is he is he alone Orange is extremely relaxing to be around and he slows down with Simple and he kisses her again her hair feels good and with things moving slowly that feels good too because he is really sensible and hard and he is able to jab himself up and kiss her mouth and he holds her side and then she closes hard on him and starts breathing she gets it she has it and it makes him then free up and have his moment not simultaneous to her moment other times he had had a simultaneous feeling with a girl but not this time but that is okay who the fuck cares about all those damned near Olympic distinctions are they all sex doctors or lovers Romeo and Juliet obviously did not have very many simultaneous anything and it feels good but it is also nothing for both of them what the fuck is this how is this important and then you have to rest side by side and you can whisper and try to analyze how it was but she is not doing that she is so pretty and she just rests on her back and looks up at the ceiling that is kind of like the stars he hates trying to think what she might be thinking because real ideas come to his mind like he could read her mind fuck it the whole making love thing is so draining and nervous what is that is it anything more than just one moment yes fools it feels good it does but who the fuck cares he is drained and he feels depressed you could not possibly be depressed to sleep with a woman just hold her again but do not become dependent on her you don’t want to have her be a crutch each time you get sick in your mind and you need a release I want you to think about her life and how she is separate from you and yet you can enjoy this and you can also enjoy travel but you enjoy travel and fighting and discussing your mind with Orange and yet you do not need to fuck Orange what is all of this it feels really goofy and stupid

Simple: This was not a bad idea

Cat Face: It wasn’t you’re right and this is kind of the best part just resting here with you how else and when else do people get to rest like this together it feels like we came out of a storm or at least I came out of my storm and here are the stars and here you are

Simple: Ha you’re really dumb

Cat Face: Thinking about things is not idiotic

Simple: But listen to how clouded your shit is I recommend that you let everything sink in before you ever comment on anything all that extemporaneous babbling depletes what you could really be feeling

Cat Face: How often do you experience things like this

Simple: Don’t worry about it who is keeping score a life could be zapped in a second without notice think about that boy who got stabbed

Cat Face: You’re right but you don’t have the internal visitors that I suffer the internal visitors want answers

Simple: Fuck them fuck whatever it is that wants to kill you even if it is a part of you if there is a part of you that wants you dead you have to smash that part against the most living things like the sun and like us here kiss me kiss me

Cat Face thinks about her she is the sun she really is the sun and he does not need to die right away